I had a thousand topics running through my mind through out the week, and I know that I have been just so preoccupied with personal life stuff that it’s distracted me a little, not going to lie.
I remember thinking about one and I began to type it, and I don’t think it ever saved, so here I am scrambling to find words to describe how I’m feeling, and trying to pull a topic out of the deep abyss of my soul.
Here’s a good one, taking ownership.
There were these two men:
Man number one has all of these problems in his life that he brings about bc of his own fears, he reacts to life in fear, he creates turmoil in his relationships with people, whether they are romantic or platonic, and he is always whining and complaining about his problems, but never finding a solution to solve them. He is lacking in a crucial step in the process of making inner changes, and that is self- awareness. What is sad, is man number one may likely never become self-aware in will continue living his life this way, until he takes his last breath.
Man number two has all of these problems, all fear based, but he’s gone through a life changing event- a car accident that nearly cost him his life- that made him feel as if he needed go make a serious change in the way he was thinking of things. The attitude he had in life before the accident was “oh this terrible thing happened, and that’s just life, and God will fix everything for me”, but he never created an action plan to take control of his life and put his fear away. Now that this life changing event has taken place, he has become willing to look within himself and fix the broken parts so he can present himself to the world in the best light, he is willing to look at his part in things.
I had a car accident almost 10 years ago. It made me want to make radical changes in my life. I was drinking and driving and fell asleep behind the wheel. I don’t remember it at all. I just remember afterwards being in an alcoholic fog and in My self- pity feeling as if My life was over, but I didn’t know the beauty that God had in store for me by giving me such a gift as a car crash, because folks, my car crash gave me my life back.
I used to be extremely insecure, surrounded myself with people who gave me a green light to be shitty, and made excuses for my lack of self-awareness and turmoil in my life.
I started to take a look in the mirror after that day, and realized I wasn’t comfortable with who I was and what I was becoming. I wanted to be my own inspiration and motivation, and I wanted to be surrounded with people who filled My up and made me feel like My dreams were achievable. I had to be willing to look at My fears, My insecurities, my character defects/flaws and I had to be willing to “trim the hedges” and cut out the not so great parts by working through them one day at a time. This requires much work, it is not something that will “just happened and thats life and everything will be okay Bc God “ bc as we know “Faith without works is dead”, so you can have Faith, but if aren’t willing to do the labor, transformation will not take place, but the opposite actually, bc just like a stagnant pool of water accumulating bacteria, a complacent soul becomes resentful and toxic.
I am not perfect, in fact, I’m seeking counseling right now bc I have recently been having anxiety attacks from unresolved trauma rearing it’s ugly head, and I can attribute it to my past trauma in relationships with other people, but knowing that is the key to making changes, and it’s not fair to punish other people for the unfairness in our past, it pushes people away, and trust me, I get it, it’s hard to let go of those fears and insecurities, which is exactly why I’m seeking counseling, but if we keep obsessing over the bad stuff from our past and spinning out about future stuff, then we have one leg in the past and one leg in the future and we are pissing all over today.
I don’t want to piss all over today. I have pissed on it so much already, but I’m seriously so grateful for the life I have built in the time since I’ve been sober. Of course, there is always work to be done, but that’s the beauty of self-awareness... IT CAN BE DONE, bc we ARE AWARE, so don’t ever take your self-awareness for granted, there are certainly people in this world who will never be able to achieve that, and will live their lives clueless to the damage they are causing to themselves and others.
They are the people Jesus was talking about when he said “forgive them father for they know not what they do”
Love yourself enough to make changes, healthy ones that make you feel good about your life, your choices, and the direction your life is headed.
Surround yourself with people who inspire you, motivate you, love you, and don’t take your shit.
Give yourself grace on the bad days, but don’t throw too long of a pity party, get back up and keep going.
Always remember your worth and don’t down play that for people who don’t deserve to be there.
Mostly, figure out who you are and FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF, flaws and all, bc we all have demons, you just have to decide whats important to you and who you want to be behind the drivers wheel of your life.
Oh and if you can’t do it alone, seek help, I’m a HUGE fan of counseling and having someone offer me an objective perspective on my behavior so they can offer solutions for me that I might not have thought of myself. There is NOTHING wrong or shameful about seeking help.
I think that’s all I have for now, may your self-awareness, that’s My part in it, cup runneth over.
All My love
xoxo
Mishako
oh i couldn’t figure out how to upload the voice recording, any of my tech nerd friends wanna help me out!
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