I exist to inform, to inspire, to help... whatever that looks like. It comes in many different forms. It's especially why I started this blog and how I've somehow managed to keep it going for 3 years!!!
That's my purpose. I believe that. I was born thinking that way. I remember when I was like 5 or something like that, I went to this christian academy and we would sing the song "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine" and I REALLY took that song to heart.
It's been a goal of mine in life. Don't let the world/(or Satan) blow out your light.
I used to talk shit about guys I dated on here, then I realized how tacky that was. I used my blog to sometimes, inadvertently attack people who were defenseless and didn't even get to air out their point of view. That wasn't healthy at all. It was funny, but it was not healthy, and it didn't grow me. So I chose to step away from that type of writing.
There's your view of the world and then there's everyone's else's perception of what is really going on. I can forgive and forget misunderstandings. I don't genuinely have a hard time forgiving you, because I've learned that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison. Mostly I just want to be treated with the kindness and thoughtfulness that I treat others with. I know sometimes, especially in today's world, that is asking too much of people. This is when boundaries are super important, we establish healthy boundaries so as not to let energy vampires suck us dry and inadvertently blow out the light within us.
That's why I chose to remove so many people out of my life after my dad died. I really did. I evaluated my relationships with people and I made the decision to set certain people free. I look at it like this: no one owes me anything and I don't owe anyone anything. There are no hard feelings, just that, if you were someone in my life pre-daddy's death really took away from me and dimmed my light in anyway or weren't a good friend, or maybe you were a seemingly good friend who wanted to do right but still had some toxic energy about you, and your presence in my life was not supporting my journey, then I decided you are not the type of person who I want to pour my energy into or to have in my inner circle. My daddy always said to keep it small.
But i have anxiety and a part of that means I analyze everything, which means I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING. EVERY, LITTLE, THING. If I care about you, I want to get into the holes with you and help you climb out of them. I think about the burden I am laying on people when I talk about my daddy or anything really, just talking about my life in general. I put thought into almost EVERYTHING I say, write, and do. It's calculated. It's not impulsive, unless we are talking about day to day spontaneity. I have learned that anything that is spoken out loud or put in writing deserves a lot of time.
I'm trying to get to the part where this all ties in together, so you go on and ask me point blank how I feel about you, and another quality that I love about myself is my ability to be honest, but kind. IF you ask me how I feel about you. You will get the truth. My aim is always to frame it in a way that is not hurtful or painful, because let's just be real, sometimes we just don't belong together in this world, sometimes, we ARENT compatible. Sometimes we can love a person but not necessarily like them or get along well with them, like the harmony is just a tad off or the melody doesn't sound quite right.
If I ever cared about you and I have made a decision to end our season of friendship, it is because you no longer add to my life, you take away from it. Not that you do it intentionally, but you just... are you. So when I say... I was 5 years old and I was singing that song like my LIFE depended on that light shooting out from inside of me. MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, today, yesterday, and tomorrow. My light, the sunshine, the funny, bubbly, goofy, wild, sassy, fun, down for anything (besides some things that I do not feel at liberty to mention here) -- is the most important thing I have going for me. I have to keep it going, or I won't be able to show up for myself and I wont be able to show up for the people who need me, or need for me to show up here to let them know that we can carry on in spite of our set backs, our depression, our anxiety, our losses, our heart breaks.... When I cut you out of my life, it is NOT about you, but more about me, and protecting myself, and whatever you brought into my life was subtracting, whether it was you taking away from my light, energy, life. You took, you probably didn't mean to, you were just existing. But your existence in my realm was like vampire on my soul, and I have to do everything I can to protect my heart, my soul, my energy. I love to write. I love to SHOW UP when it's bad, when it's ugly, when I'm broken, when I'm cracking, when I feel like I can't go another step. And even though we feel as if we are in our darkest and lowest when we are cracking, that is when our light is the brightest, it spills out of all of the cracks and shines a light into other people's hearts and lets them know, it's OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY, AND IT'S OKAY TO CRY, and IT'S OKAY TO BE SAD. It's okay to BE MAD ABOUT YOUR DAD BEING DEAD. It's okay to sit with heavy grief and CRY ABOUT IT EVERY DAY IF YOU NEED TO. It's okay to UGLY cry, CUSS on I-10 heading east, AND ask God why he decided to take your dad away. It's okay to be there. It's okay to have questions. It's okay to not be perfect and do it perfect 100% of the time. Because as I was once told before and try to never forget, thinking we can achieve perfection is foolish at best and destructive at worst.
It's okay to be WHEREVER we are with WHATEVER we have, and it's also okay to protect that, even if that means letting go of someone/someone's that you thought were going to be in your life longer. It's all okay. Love yourself first and let it go. And whatever you do.... Above all else PROTECT YOUR LIGHT, and dont let ANYONE and ANTYHING come and blow it out.
And I want to mention to, it doesn't mean it has to last forever, just the right now of it all wasn't good, for either party. So maybe the universe brings you back together, and maybe you are both different and grown by your life experiences. It happens when it's meant to. If two people are destined by God to be in one another's lives.... Que Será, Será.
Even if I subtly or loudly removed you from my life, I still send you love and light every day, and I wish you the best, that's what happens when you're someone who cares deeply, even the absence of that person physically doesn't make you stop wondering how they're doing. You continue to care about every person you've ever met really. My big fat heart has always been my biggest blessing and also my biggest curse.
So my sweet precious hearts, protect your light. Make sure you guard it like a new born baby. Don't let any person, place, or thing take from you so much that you find it diminishing. Its easy to find your way out of a sticky situation when you're in the light but It's much harder to find your way in the dark.
All my love,
Until next time 🤍
xoxo Mishako
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