The call you never want to receive.

I got a call yesterday that no one ever wants to receive, I lost an old friend back in December to suicide, and am just now finding out about it, and I wanted to take the time to come on here and raise some mental health awareness today.

I met Scott through the collegiate recovery community when I was a student working on my undergrad degree at Mississippi State University. He was a bright and funny guy. At that that time, the CRC, was a new development on campus and so the group of us was very small in number, we were essentially, like family. I got the call yesterday from another member, Emily, and it’s so heart breaking to hear the words, and yet, now that I have a deeper understanding of what it truly means to suffer from mental illness, so there isn’t this moment of “how selfish” anymore, not for me at least.

I know I shared this on my Instagram story, but I never shared it on my blog, I recently got put on anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety medication. My anxiety and depression had gotten to the point in my life where they were beginning to interfere with my daily function, crippling me, and I was having the darkest thoughts, ones that dance along the lines of, “I wish I were dead“. Better yet, “if someone were to take me out today, I wouldn’t be upset about it.” Trust me, I can say from personal experience, no one asks to have these thoughts, no one wishes them upon themselves, so I will forever stand up for my brothers and sisters who take their own lives too soon and voice for them that, in that moment, they probably just knew it was the only way to escape the pain, the thoughts, the feelings, the ultimate way to turn it all off, is death. I know most people that commit suicide are the least we would expect, especially in the days of social media, because people don’t really talk about their mental health struggles, the people who are suffering tend to wear a smile and keep their dark thoughts to themselves. Which is why I feel like it’s so important to shine a light on them and talk about the importance of reaching out.

With all that being said, there are so many ways to reach out for help. Scott tried to, he reached out to us prior to the incident and said he needed help, and when we tried to reach back out to him, we never heard back. I wonder how different it would have been if someone could have made contact. I will probably never be able to let that thought go.

There are sure to be signs that someone you love is planning to to take their own lives, pay attention to the people around you, make sure they are all doing okay, and do your best to be a light, encourager, and friend when someone is in need.

I sought the help of a counselor and am now taking medications that have seemed to be super helpful for me so far, I still feel like myself, but I’m not nearly as anxious and losing time dwelling on things that are out of my control. I love my life today. I love the people in my life today. When I would get in that dark place I would think about all the people in my life that would have holes in their heart if I were to try and turn off all of the noise in my head.

I hope Scott has found peace in his final resting place. I know how crippling those thoughts can be, what emptiness and hopelessness feel like, what it feels like to think no one is standing with you.

We will miss you Scott. Please keep his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, wanting to shut off the thoughts in your mind, thinking about a way of harming yourself I encourage you to call the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

There are multiple ways you can get help for what you are going through

1. Talk to friends and family, my sister strongly encouraged me to get into counseling and get on medication

2. To find a counselor that you connect with isn’t always an easy process, and might be trial and error, but it’s worth it in the long run to find the perfect fit to get you the help you need.
   

3. If you feel as if counseling isn’t enough, think about getting put on medication. I was SO against this idea until very recently, it has literally taken me years to take this plunge and I am SO glad that I did, and honestly wish I had done it sooner in my life, but better late than never.

4. Find support groups, people that are like you that you can talk to and who have an understanding of what you’re going through.

And always remember this: You are enough, just as you are. You are just as enough in your broken messy place as you are in your best happy place, you are always enough, and as long as you’re still breathing there is always time to fix your brokenness.

I am sending you love and light wherever you may be.

We love you Scott, may you Rest In Peace.

Until next time,

xoxo

Mishako