Stuck

Have you ever felt like you're trying to get back to yourself, but you can't because you're stuck on the other side of a wall?

Me too. I have been standing on the other side of this wall for a couple of months now and I've been racking my brain for ideas on how to get to the other side. If you know me, then you know that it's weird that I haven't written a blog post in a while, and you know that it's even weirder that my social media presence has pretty much gone silent, but if you were here staring at this wall with me, you would totally understand why there's been nothing but radio silence.

I remember thinking on several occasions "you should write a post about this" but never doing it because, is this actually "MooreHappyVibes" type of content? and do I really want to SHIP this? Well the answer is, SHIT, yes I do, because how many of you out there have ever hit that wall??? I'm sure you all can relate in some form or fashion.

Hitting walls SUCKS, and who knows how we got there, all we need is a way to get to the other side, so what do we do? Do we break the wall down? do we climb over it, do we have that kind of manpower/endurance? Can we achieve it? The answer is almost always yes, but the problem is, if you have brain like mine, sometimes it takes us longer to get to that conclusion, instead we stare at the wall and we wonder how it got there? Where is it from? why is it in our way? We keep the burden of the wall to ourselves and think of a million reasons as to how and why we cannot get over it, through it, by pass it. We tend to forget that there are people who love us waiting on the other side, we tend to forget that we have a phone in our pocket that can reach out to those family members and friends and ask for help, instead we stare at the wall and we just worry and wonder how we are ever going to get out.

I'm there right now. I'm staring at the wall and I'm lacking the energy to climb over it, and I'm lacking the manpower to bust it down. I also am too worried I will burden you with my problems to call and ask for help, instead I just stare at the wall, hoping I can get back to where I was before I ever approached the wall in the first place, but backwards isn't a direction anyone wants to go, am I right?

Maybe I'll just start chipping away at it, brick by brick. Isn't that how you conquer sobriety? One day at a time, sometimes moment by moment.

I've hit a wall in my life and I've shut down. It happens to me from time to time, but it hasn't ever lasted this long before. I feel zapped and none of the things I used to love really "feel like" they bring me joy. I say "feel like" in quotations because feelings are so momentary and fleeting, so they're often not true. I have been in this really dark funk though, and I really didn't want to come on here and write about it because the title of this blog is "moorehappyvibes" and what is "hApPy" about being in a dark funk and hitting a wall???? Nothing. Lol. I remember thinking it was probably not a good idea to write a couple of months ago, and I kept letting that little negative voice listen/win and so then I just shut down completely, first it was my blog, then it was my socials, and now it's basically creeped into my entire life.

I talked to my older sister this morning and she made me realize that even though this subject matter is particularly hard to write about, it's the stuff that really does need to be addressed, because what if the right person reads it and realizes, "I am not alone." Well if you're reading this and you are feeling like you are in a dark funky place and you're staring up at a really tall and daunting wall, just know that you are not alone in that place, and that there is hope of getting over the wall, or around the wall, or shit maybe you'll just go straight through that bitch. There is hope, that is always the one word/promise I cling onto during times that feel near hopeless

And you know what, tomorrow I think maybe I'll just crank up the tunes in my head and take this wall and tear it apart from the inside out until I'm free. All I ever wanted was to be free. We all deserve to be free.

From the other side of the wall,

Until next time,

xoxo Mishako