Have you ever really felt like you needed to talk to your friend, romantic partner, someone you love about something that is bothering you, but you haven't been able to work up the courage to do it for a while because you're too afraid of how they will react?
Me too.
I'm speaking for myself when I share this next thought, but for me, this pattern developed a long time ago when I was really young and kind of just carried on throughout my teenage years and into my adulthood. It has taken me a long time, and I still struggle sometimes, with being comfortable discussing topics with people that have the potential to cause friction, rock the boat, lead to confrontation, because who wants to address the elephant in the room?????
That fear can be suffocating. Trust me I know. But the weight of carrying a message you really need to communicate to your friend can be just as taxing, and don't be silly and think that the other party doesn't know something is up just because you're not saying anything...They're gonna know. Within the past couple of months I've had to have some conversations that I built up in my mind as being really, really tough, but in the end, once I had communicated said thoughts and feelings I had been having, I walked away from those situations feeling so much lighter.
It does weigh on you, and it makes a difference in your everyday life. You might blame the feeling of stress on something else like work, when in all actuality it's because you're not telling your friend that you can't work out with them anymore because your fitness goals are headed in different directions. Yeah, I sat on that conversation for a while because I was afraid of hurting my friend's feelings, and I was killing my body in the process, and everyday, my body would say, relax more, work on joint mobility, let's do more yoga, and I was steadily hitting the weights with my gym partner and keeping that all to myself just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Not to mention the added stress of holding something like that in while hanging out with that person. I know she won't mind me sharing about this because she knows I love her dearly, but when I did finally decide to tell her I think we should start working out separately, She admitted she had been feeling it, too. More than likely, when it comes down to something you aren't communicating to another party, they probably know something is up. Trust me, I have learned this lesson over and over again.
I know it's hard to discuss uncomfortable topics with people because we don't want to "hurt their feelings", but honestly you’re hurting their feelings even more in the long run by not just confronting the issue, discussing it and moving on.
Now I'm not saying to act impulsively, certainly be tactful, put some thought into the conversation, and talk about it gently, especially if it is something that could potentially ruin your relationship if the message is somehow misconstrued. So if there's something that you really need to discuss with someone, but don't necessarily want to, here are some things I do in order to prepare myself for the "big moment" that I "blow out of proportion in my mind"
I write out all of my feelings towards the issue/topic, sometimes by hand, sometimes in the notes app on my iPhone.
I then write a message to that person, or type it out, usually I do this in my notes as well. I think better when I write, I'm sure by my blog that wasn't obvious at all.
I really think about how it has been affecting me, have I lost sleep over this? is it something that I have been burning up a lot of time and energy throwing around in my brain? Because this is going to let me know how worth it having this conversation actually is.
I then usually talk to a neutral party about the issue and get their insight/feedback. My go to people are usually my two sisters, my counselor, and my best friend from college. They are people that have always offered me very sound advice, without being super biased.
Then I just do it. I just talk to that person about it, and we both move on and live happily ever after.
Okay the happily ever after part is a stretch because sometimes the person on the receiving end isn't going to like what you have to say, or agree with what you have to say, sometimes regardless of how you feel and what you say, the uncomfortable topic that you discuss will hurt their feelings, and that's okay, because it's better to get it out in the open sooner rather than later. This especially rings true in romantic relationships, like for me, I recently had to deliver some terrible news to a really sweet guy I was dating because my heart just wasn't in it like his was, and that's not fair right? So I communicated those feelings because it's better to do that sooner, rather than to drag out this relationship that you're not really into and continue stringing this good-hearted person a long just because of what? Your fear or inability to communicate your feelings?? Then you end up looking like a total turd in the end because you harbored all of this information in regards to how you're feeling. And trust me, not discussing it, doesn't mean that party doesn't feel the tension or pick up on your withdrawing the entire time, because we alllll subconsciously do things that we don't realize when we are feeling some type of way.
I also want to mention that being on the other side of someone's lack of communication can feel very confusing. I especially hate feeling this in the dating world. I have been on several one night wonder dates in my life, and have been left hanging SEVERAL times, and you know, the decent thing to have done in this type of situation, is not the MOST comfortable thing, but essentially it would be respectful of the other party to have sent a message that said something along the lines of "I had a great time, but I'm just not feeling it". I mean even something that simple gets the point across, and allows that person to move on without feeling bewildered or confused. I have legit had one guy do this very clearly and respectfully for me, his initials are JM, and I have told him before, hind sight being 20/20, that I truly appreciate the way he communicated how he was feeling to me because even though in the moment it was painful to receive that news, I was able to move on super quick, because I knew where I stood in that situation. I cried about it for a day, and I'm not going to lie I was really into him and thought he was such a good guy that I even had a little journal where I drew pictures of all of our dates, so I cried like I said, and I chunked the journal, and then I moved on. In hind sight, as I'm typing this, the journal is a little extreme, and I probably wouldn't do that so early on now, but ya know, ya live ya learn.
So if there's something you need to say, just do everyone a favor and say it. The harm is more in the waiting and keeping it to yourself, than just confronting it head on and addressing the elephant in the room. I promise you won't regret it. Even if it's uncomfortable or hurts their feelings in the moment, time heals everything and people move on.
Just say what you need to say.
Until next time,
xoxo
Mishako
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