I can't believe it's already week 6 here in Huntsville. I've done a pretty terrible job at blogging since I started my traveling gig, life has just been so, so busy.
I just took a break outside to have a little cry. I found myself on my lunch break looking at photos of my dad and just lost it. I asked a dear friend of mine who lost her mother if looking at pictures of them ever stops hurting. She said it doesn't. I guess that's what grief does to you, it never stops tugging at your heart strings. I love my daddy more than anyone I've ever known and the pain of the loss is equivalent to the amount of love that I had for him in my heart. It's just so unfair and some days I feel it more than others.
It's been 6 months. It still doesn't seem real though. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I will never see him alive again on this earth. Ugh it makes me sick.
I have been doing so so good though in my life. It's funny how in the same breath we can cry and feel grief but also admit that life is good and there are no complaints. I have really been practicing pushing out negative thoughts and only radiating positive energy into the universe so that only positive things will come back to me.
Have you ever been doing something in your life and unfortunate things kept happening when you were doing that job, hanging out with that person, or living in that city (just a few examples), and then as soon as you made a shift in your life and changed whatever it was in your life that was creating that rift, everything just felt....aligned?
That's how I feel about where I am. I feel like I am finally in proper alignment. I feel like I am finally on the course I was meant to be on for a long time, that the universe kept giving me signs to take this course, but I kept taking minor detours instead. I feel like I finally made the right choice at the cross roads. That's the only way I know how to describe how making this decision has made me feel. Everything just feels....right.
I was talking to a friend last night about attracting positive energy into my life and only good things to come by the power of positive thinking. I used to be so good at high lighting the negative things in my life, only harping on the misfortunes and overlooking the silver linings. I have made it a mission this year in my life to only validate the good things, only give power to the positive, and to anticipate only good things in my life so that I don't attract negative energy or any extra misfortunes.
6 months ago, I was really at the bottom. The worst of the worst happened in my life that could possibly ever happen to me. I didn't know how I was going to go on. I kept thinking "there's no way you can survive without him" "how will you make big decisions without running it by him" "who will you call in a crisis" "how will you live on this earth without your biggest supporter and hype man" "how?" TELL ME HOW? But somehow, magically here I am. I have made it six months. I give thanks to God, my siblings, my friends, and the spirit of my father. He was strong and courageous in the face of turmoil/adversity.
Speaking of friends being major supporters and holding me up... My MiaBia, who has been there for me a lot since the loss of my daddy (she lost her daddy, too) came to visit me last week!! We had THE BEST time. I missed her as soon as I hugged her goodbye and watched her walk to her car. I appreciate and value my close friendships so much now. I cherish every moment that I have with my beautiful friends and family. Each moment is a gift.
Overall I am so happy. I didn't know that I could ever experience that again, as I rediscover who I am in this world where I feel lost without my north star, I know it will continue to be a beautiful journey, and I will continue to learn beautiful things about myself.
Right now I just feel so.... Free. It's one of the best feelings in the entire world. People have asked me "when do you think you will settle down from this travel gig?" and my answer is "maybe never"
Until Next Time
xoxo Mishako
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