So here I am, sitting in a coffee shop, trying to find some inspiration to come back to this space. I remember when I first started writing I was so energized and excited to about it. I couldn't wait to tell you all stories about dates gone wrong or horrible things guys said and did. Then I made the mistake of writing about one too soon after a break up and he took to his instagram and shared with everyone about how I used him for blog content. LMFAO, no sir, you turned yourself into blog content when you decided to be an ass hat, but anyways, I'll digress....
I haven't really written about a relationship since. After that my writing then became more sporadic and all over the place, covering numerous topics, mostly related to my current life and in January of 2023 when my father died, it was nothing but darkness and sadness. Because grief is enveloping and dark and very, very isolating. And after losing him my whole world just changed and I've been struggling to find my why again. Not just here, but in all facets. Because after losing him, life didn't make sense anymore, and sometimes, it still doesn't. I have good days and I have bad days, "the waves of grief" is how I refer to them now, but losing a parent is singlehandedly one of the worst losses I have suffered in my life. I am tearing up writing this. I still miss him and long to have him back here on earth with me, and more often times then I really wish to admit, sometimes I wish I were up in the heavens with him. It be like that, grief.
I stopped writing a little while after losing him because mostly everything I had to say somehow related back to my him, because deep down inside I don't ever want people to forget that he lived, and I want to make sure everyone knows that I am his daughter and he was my father and he existed in this world once. I think I haven't taken the time to write this out because I knew it would surface up some things that would be painful.
But I want to get all of this out now so I can clear up the space I need to let go and to show up here again, because my life is so good and I have been on such a beautiful healing journey since I started travel therapy last summer.
My first stop was in Texas and while there I spent a lot of money LOL, did a lot of fun new things, like went to watch the Yankees beat the Astros and met some of the players, got to spend time with old friends, experienced a lot of car troubles and navigated fixing those issues without my daddy here to help me, and just really dug deep and grew up and learned that I can do life on my own.
I then went to South Carolina where I let the sunsets heal my soul. There was a lot of quiet time, time to reflect on my life and where I want it to go from there. I had amazing landlords who took care of me like I was their own daughter, and I got to spend time on the water on their boat. I went through a lot of mentally taxing moments in this place, but also learned that I could get through that on my own as well.
And then I came to Arizona, where I've been learning to let go. Let go of the pain, let go of the sadness, rid myself of the burden of grief and LIVE just like my daddy would want me to. God brought me here and introduced me to four new beautiful friends because he knew I would need a little nudge. So he planted these women in my path and together we have been trying all sorts of new things, going on all sorts of adventures, and just creating one memory after another and learning to truly absorb the moment. I will forever be grateful that I found them and that they were placed here with me. I am now taking bachata lessons, playing pickle ball, taking random trips to Mexico, going to Pilates at 5:30 every Tuesday and Thursday and really just digging deep and L-I-V-I-N! I have gotten to see my brother Noah and his wife Alyssa and gone on adventures to new places in and around San Diego with them as well, and I just really feel like autopilot Is no longer on and I feel really, really good about being here and for the gifts that this place has given me so far.
So that's my life and that's what I have been up to. I have recently been longing to have a family of my own a lot more and I hope that I get to have that one day, but other than that, everything else is good and I am blessed beyond measure, and I know my daddy is with me, he drops coins for me everywhere I go to let me know he loves me still and he's still looking after me. And I talk about him all the time, and I will never stop talking about him, so if that annoys you, I guess you can go be friends with someone else. HAHAHAH
I love you all and I am going to do better about showing up here.
Happy Sunday!
Until Next Time,
xoxo
Mishako
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