I woke up this morning and thought about how I haven’t written in a while. I was trying to figure out why.
I think it’s because I’m really bad about staying consistent when I give myself set deadlines or “release dates” for this blog. I have found that adopting this mentality of “Sunday is your deadline”, made me feel really upset with myself when I didn’t follow through for whatever x,y,z reason — it’s okay to write when I feel inspired and not write when I don’t, otherwise it feels inauthentic and forced when I make myself come up with something to say.
Now this blog is certainly my baby, but I’ve gone back and forth over the amount of time, space, energy and effort I want it to have in my life. I remember when I first started writing the goal was to help people recognize the signs of a toxic relationship, and as I look back at my writing, I often wonder, what if I was the toxic one? Especially now that I’m going to counseling and truly learning about my negative patterns of thinking/behaviors due to deep rooted fear and insecurity. I know I’ve also not been matched with the greatest people to reassure me and give me peace.
Life is funny like that, we often can’t see what’s in front of us until it’s behind us, but what a beautiful way it is to learn from ourselves.
I have been spending a lot of time with one very special person recently and I’ve told him I will refrain from gushing about our personal relationship on this blog, because we must keep some things sacred, I will keep it brief and say it has been a very blissful month of getting to know someone and I look forward to many more.
Besides that he has stuck with me when some of my “self-sabotage” insecure negative brain has cropped up, and instead of giving up on me, he has stayed. I wanted to say all that to high light that I have YES already tried to knit pick the heck out of this relationship, and it’s only been 4 weeks!!! My mind is RELENTLESS. This guy is new and it should be fun and exciting (and don’t worry it is) but there have also already been moments of panic/worry/fear/anxiety that have crept back in to haunt me, stuff created in the recesses of my mind from the time I was born until now. Deep rooted trauma and fears that have blocked me from truly letting myself go and letting someone in, and yet he stays. I know it doesn’t seem big to anyone else, but it means everything to me— not to mention our compatibility is out the roof.
So I guess I have been fighting for a while in a lot of different short term relationships that I’ve been involved, And there’s never been this moment in my head where it clicks for me, you know the aha moment where suddenly you realize the worth/value of what you have infront of you and begin to realize that it’s time to put all the bs aside and fight against all of that negative energy in your head, because this is the person who is going to be on the other side doing the same thing for you, and at first it consumes you and takes up your times, just like the beginning of anything new bc we know when we start incorporating something new into our routine, it kind of takes us a little while to readjust. It’s like that when you meet a new human too, but most of the loss of balance is worth it in the beginning, especially knowing that at the end of the day, you’ve got each other’s backs and are rooting for one another!
I am just now getting back to recalibrating and coming back to center in my life. I have never really handled change well because it takes me a little while to re-adjust once I’ve been knocked off kilter, but change is good, especially when you realize it’s to make room for something or someone who makes you feel softer around the edges.
We make space in our lives for the people, places, and things of which are of utmost importance to us, so it’s worth it to get a little off balance to create that room for someone or something that was meant to be there all along.
And coming full circle I can no longer make promises on writing every Sunday. Only that I will write when I feel inspired and that I do still have plans of recording a pod cast, just haven’t put myself on a specific deadline yet!
Until Next Time,
xoxo
Mishako
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