I wrote this really long post about my most recent ex boyfriend at the end of this most recent blog, and then I just kept thinking about how I don't really want to talk about him on here at all. I kept going back and forth about whether or not I was going to publish the story, and realized it was still so full of anger towards someone who doesn't even deserve to take up any more space in my head. It always takes me a while to heal, not because I want that person back in my life, but for someone reason my obsessive thoughts will not let me forget them. I constantly replay memories, I obsess about whether or not they have moved on, and why I wasn't good enough to make them want to be different. I know it's all very silly, and I know at the end of the day, no human being is powerful enough to make someone change, and I also know that it's not worth it to stay with someone who not only doesn't deserve you, but doesn't want to have you around, which is obvious by their actions. CUE "He's just not that into you", so I deleted the entire second half of this post, which would have made it longer than my first published novel anyways, so you're welcome. It was still really liberating for me to type it all out, and if you are still curious as to what happened, I don't mind copying and pasting it and sending it directly to you, so if you know me personally, just reach out. I will be more than willing to share, but he doesn't deserve to be written about in this sacred space. This is my blog, and I don't want to publish that kind of "oh my bleeding heart" "another relationship", "forever alone" content anymore. However, BC I HAVE BEEN GONE SO LONG THIS One might be longer than anticipated; SO BEWARE!!
You ever just think about your life and wonder if you chose the right path? Or do you ever wake up feeling lost ? Or do you ever wonder why you were born with obsessive intrusive thoughts and hope that one day they will go away? Do you ever wonder if you are alone in those feelings ? Do you worry about what others think of you? Do you worry about why they didn’t like You the way you liked them? Or do you get so overwhelmed with the “burden” of life in general that you just feel like you can’t go on?
yeah? me too.
I could have someone look over this post and they’d say something like “I wouldn’t post that if I were you, but then that’s me giving a fuck about what others care to read on MY blog, and what’s authentic about telling the truth, if I’m not actually telling the truth, the good and the bad?
I have met a lot of genuinely happy people who don’t have to work hard to be that way, or remain that way, And I’ve always wondered how they do it. People from the outside looking into my life on social media probably think “she looks like she has it together and all figured out”, but that’s not true. There is no guidebook, no secret manual, no step by step instructions on how to live a life that makes you happy. I think my problem is that I’m never satisfied with anything, I’m always out to reach for more, more chances, more growth, more opportunities, and while searching for the more, I’ve overlooked the beauty and satisfaction in the right now. So, all of that to say, please do your best to be kind and understanding to everyone you come encounter with, people are all different and all perceive life differently, and just because being happy comes easy for you, doesn't mean it's easy or should be easy for the next person, and just because they don't voice it out (like me), doesn't give you the right to assume you know the thoughts that are going on in their mind, and damn sure doesn't give you the right to judge people for how they voice their feelings. ALSO, nothing I write is for pity or comfort seeking. I’m good on that, I’ve got my people. My purpose here is served to let you know that if you relate to anything I’m saying- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. to me, it’s always better to know I’m not isolated in whatever I’m going through in life, it makes me feel more hopeful when it comes to getting through it.
With all of that being said, I am always in and out of what I think is either anxiety or depression. I haven't ever been officially clinically diagnosed, but when I've learned about the symptoms in the past, I have resonated with them, and when things start happening in my life, I have a very hard time working to stay positive, especially when it's a lot of things that overwhelm my emotions, because I feel things deeply to my core, and let's face it, sometimes the world can be a big, dark, and scary place. I have actually missed a lot of events (some weddings/funerals/parties) because I seriously could not make myself leave my house, so it can be extremely debilitating. Here are some things that I do to help me get out of myself when I'm going through a "shit storm"
1) The first thing I do is reach out to my people. I tell them exactly what kind of thoughts I'm having, no matter how scary it is to talk about them. It is important for my people to know the things that have been cropping up in my mind, because when they're bad, they're not the kind of thoughts I want to keep to myself.
2) Type a blog post, write in a journal, let it all out. I LOVE getting out my feelings on paper or typing them out in letter form in the notes app on my phone. Writing is liberating to me because as soon as it's out there, I don't no longer have to be a prisoner for it anymore.
3) Replace one negative action with a positive action. This was actually given to me as a suggestion when I got sober, when you remove all of the garbage from your life, you have to replace it with things that make you happy, so once I removed drinking, I replaced it with other things like going to AA meetings, then eventually added more things like job, going to school, working out, etc.
4) That leads me to going to working out/going to the gym. YA GIRL LOVES CARDIO. Anything that gets my heart rate going and makes me sweat, is my GO-TO, but anything I do in the gym.. makes me feel soooo good. That release of endorphins takes the edge off of my anxiety and my stress.
5) Spending time with people that make my heart swell, like my family, my close friends, my Godson. Being around the people that mean the most to me helps bring me out of my dark, negative thoughts.
6) Counseling/therapy: MAJOR KEY. I did this when I was in graduate school, I'm going to return to doing this bc I think it's important to have someone to talk to that can offer you an objective perspective/opinion/advice for your life. 7) Getting my hair done or scheduling a mani/pedi, getting eyebrows threaded (y’all go see my girl Lexi at PinUps in Biloxi) , or a massage— I think these are important for me. I love taking care of myself-/ and a part of that is making myself feel good about what I see in the mirror. I used to post about getting my hair done a lot, and then one say someone in my class in OT came up to me and asked “so what is this like a new hair style once a week?”the momentum of my hair posts stopped after that. I know I shouldn’t have met what she said affect me so deeply, but it really hurt my feelings, so just be careful what you say to people, you don’t know why they might be getting their hair done so o and quite frankly why would that matter to you anyway, what someone else does with their life is their business — NOT YOURS.
8) Ride it out until you start feeling like "that bitch" again. lol, exactly what it says, just ride the wave.
I didn't mention any kind of chemical escape from my problems because drinking and drugs are not options for me. I have been sober for 9 years and I don't like the idea of ever becoming rely on a drug to make me happy. I have talked to some people about it, and I think the only action I would take in this regard would to be temporarily be put on an anti-anxiety medication to help take the edge off of my stress. I obviously do not personally feel like drugs are the answer for me, but I am a strong advocate of always taking the plan of action that will give YOU the best results.
I think at the end of the day, the biggest and BESTEST thing you can do for yourself, is to remember the saying "this too shall pass", that the way you are feeling in the moment is NOT permanent, and tomorrow will be a new day, and that if the day really sucks so badly, you can start over anytime you like. I want to be clear though, there are some times when getting to this mentality is too difficult for some people, so saying this to people who struggle with being able to do so, can often times come across as very dismissive, even if it's coming from a loving place.
On a side note, I have this thing where I get really aggravated when I feel like people aren’t listening to me, and oftentimes I elevate my voice subconsciously and get picked on about it (I don’t tend to take well to being picked on, super sensitive over here) I never really took the time to think about why that might be so, but the other day I was working with a patient and she stopped doing her activity whilst staring off into space. I asked her what she was thinking about, and she said, “you know, I’ve often wondered why people feel the need to talk so loudly, I wonder if it’s because they grew up in a large family and always had to fight to be heard when they were children.“, and it really struck me, because I honestly resonate with that. I know it's silly, because I know it was never intentional on my parents part, but I think a lot of the drama I created in my life, I did because I felt like I wasn't getting any attention, because my parents had 4 other children, and maybe sometimes I felt like I wasn't being heard. I also think that has a lot to do with the formation of who I am. I like to share my voice openly, regardless of what people think or say, and I know some people think it’s silly, but on my best days, I think it makes me very brave.
Can you tell I've been up in my head a lot the past couple of weeks. I've been missing you guys <3 and my fingers have missed moving along this keyboard, damn it's satisfying.
Also, please keep my sweet friend (she is like one of my “adopted moms” Sharon Hughes and her whole family in your prayers. Her son and his friend never returned from a duck hunting trip they went on last Thursday. They are still searching for the boys and Zeb’s dog, Khye.
Thats all for now, wear your masks, be kind to one another, and do unto others as you would have them do to you.
xoxo
ALL MY LOVE,
Mishako.
Also I saw this meme, and it made me LOL bc 10/10 can relate. I can't take credit for the meme itself-- not sure who created it :)
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