I'm sitting here with my family with a heart full to the brim with gratitude. My dad came to town because his brother is very, very sick, and was admitted to the hospital on Friday, so we've been soaking up all of the quality time with him this weekend. We are all heart broken about our uncle being sick but on the same token I know we are very grateful for the precious time it has made us set aside for one another.
If you have been an avid follower of my blog, then you know all about my dad, if you haven’t read about my dad, do yourself a favor, and check out the Rise of the Phoenix, I know I said I wouldn't talk about dating anymore, but since being single is a part of who I am, I imagine dating stories will pop up, I just won't be giving any kind of advice in the love department, not until I find myself in mutually shared bliss with another human being. I realized about week 2 after my break up that there has really never been a time in my life where I have been completely "alone", and for the first time in 31 years, I have a full time job, in an upstanding profession, making decent money with health benefits included, and I finally see the most independent version of myself on the horizon, and I think a huge part of this new journey is going to be learning how to truly enjoy being with myself, at all times, without having to rely on anyone else for emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, and monetary support. My dad has been helping me for the last time (fingers crossed) this month and there's something really beautiful about that. It has been a long and arduous journey for us (I'll have to tell you all my comeback story later), but I couldn't be more proud of the woman I have become, and better yet, the woman who I am yet to be. When my last relationship ended, I was completely devastated, even though I stood by (still stand by) my decision, because ultimately we were not fundamentally compatible. I knew I was just clinging onto the relationship because I was afraid I might not have another opportunity in the future, and there's always that fear in the back of mind "you're never going to meet someone", which we know isn’t true.
I was talking with a good friend the other day, and she made a very good point, it's not worth settling at any point in our lives for the sake of being with someone, if that someone isn't who we are supposed to be with, and makes us feel anxious, less than, not a priority, not important, disrespected, etc. The more time wasted on the wrong somebody, might have you missing out on the opportunity to meet the right one. She said she has a friend who is my age who just recently went through a horrendous break up and finally has come to a place of peace about being alone until the right one comes along, whether that be at 40, 50, 100, or maybe never. I want to get to that place, too, happy with being alone until I meet someone that truly compliments my life, and me theirs (Because it works both ways).
As I've gotten older, my dad and I have talked more and more about relationships, what I deserve, etc etc. 2 nights ago, my little sister and I were sandwiching my dad in between us on the couch, we had been listening to my dad tell story after story after story about him and his brothers growing up, and of course I end up talking about my most recent “heart crack”, and my dad said "Misha, you have things to do with your life, you have plans and goals (he's not wrong, I want to move to New Zealand in two years, and I want to work towards becoming a NICU OT) You are my free spirited child. You will plant roots when you are ready, and one day I believe you will meet someone, but he will have to be a very unique someone, because you are a very unique and special woman. You've been through a lot in your life, and it's going to take a very special man to see you for who you are and appreciate your walk in life. Do not settle for someone who does not deserve you." He‘s absolutely right. Its not worth it to settle for a relationship just bc of fear of ending up alone if doing so means compromising your hopes and dreams (especially if that said person doesn’t even seem interested in helping you make them come true bc they are too busy chasing their own)
He took us shopping yesterday to buy some new scrubs for me( I don't get my first pay check until November 10), and I told him "thank you so much", and he said "Misha you are very welcome, and you deserve it, you deserve every bit of it." and I couldn't help but tear up, because that's the kind of man that raised me, and so no, I don't expect my future someone to be perfect, and I don't expect him to come riding in on a white horse, I don't expect him to buy me a mercedes benz or a gucci bag (if I wanted that kind of life I would have worked to obtain it for myself), but at the very least I hope that he sees me, and he respects me, and he sees that I deserve the world, and I hope that I feel the same way about him, I see him, I respect him, and I hope he deserves the world. I will no longer give my time and energy to people, in any aspect of my life, who do not respect me and deserve that attention.
My brother n law's mom and I sat down about a month ago when I was struggling to decide whether or not I wanted to date the last guy anymore, and she told me a story about how she had such bad luck dating, that she decided to swear off of it and give up something that she loved in the mean time, so she gave up chocolate and she prayed everyday, and then before she knew it she met her husband, and the rest is history. She told me if I decided to end things, that she would do this with me, so we are starting day 1 tomorrow, and Im terrified more about losing the caffeine than missing out on dating.
I'm giving up coke zero, and I'm going to journal everyday and I'm writing about what I'm grateful for, and I might even practice some self-love, because I think I am still very hard and unforgiving to myself, and I take myself way too seriously, and it transcends into my relationships with everyone, and before I know it I'm pointing out flaws like I'm looking in a mirror, and that's not good for anyone involved.
What I truly love about self-awareness is that once we have tapped into it, at ANY point in our lives, we can look within and see the problems that need tending to, our spirits are much like a garden, and if we don't tend to them regularly, the weeds can began to grow out of control and take over, and before we know it we are dying on the inside or so thirsty for growth, but unable to see it because of all of the weeds clouding our vision. I am always, always working towards a better me, and I hope you are, too my friend, and I hope that if you aren't one day you will get to a place where you are able and willing to do so.
It's November, the month of thankfulness, and I have decided to give up coke zero, starting today, so wish me luck with that, but I am trying to decide if I should write an entry a day to share about something I'm grateful for everyday. Thoughts?
All of my love,
Until next time
xoxo Mishako
Comments