Can’t fake it

I'm sure you've all heard of the saying "Fake it til you make it".

I don't think I've ever mastered the art of truly "faking it". That's a difficult task when you've learned how to show up authentically as you are.

I think this time in my life is the most important time to show up fully as myself, with my feelings, my emotions.

I go through the days now and I think of him every so often, and most days it doesn't cripple me.

But this weekend has been an exception to that. Grief is so fucking weird in that, it could be brought on by something or nothing at all. I was just minding my business and stirring my tomato soup and it just hit me, or I ran into it, this wall of grief, and then the pain was piercing through my heart like a knife, a deep ache into the chambers, coming out spilling into the other side of my body.

Then the tidal wave of tears, they come, they come, they keep coming, and all you can do is lay in your bed and hope the pain passes just as quickly as it swallowed you up.

I was talking to a really good friend of mine and he asked me:

"What makes him amazing to you?"

I replied:

"He just had this way about him. Amazing bc he had been through so much worldly suffering but didn’t let the world know it bc he was still just so light hearted fun and goofy. I loved that most about him. His resiliency. He was super philosophical too and a good story teller. I loved listening to him. He told us stories about things he would read, or movies that moved him. He loved music and dancing and just being silly.

He still loved with everything he had even though he lost so much. He didn’t hold any resentment or hate in his heart"

He went on to say some things I would like to keep for myself. It was enough to move me to tears.

I think of my father at least once in a span of 30 minutes. I think of what he would be doing if he were here. I wonder how much happier I would have been on my birthday just to hear his sweet voice again. I close my eyes and I envision him saying "Hey Misha", and squeezing me, he gave the best hugs.

Everyone says things like he is alive in you, and as you live, his spirit will stay alive. I know this is true, according to my friend up there ^^ I am a lot like him. He said that everything I loved most about my father, he would say the same of me.

It's funny that we are so much like our parents and we don't even realize it until someone else points it out to us.

I am honored when anyone says I am like my father. He was an amazing man, but losing him truly has made me see the value and worth in myself so much more.

I just wish it didn't have to hurt so badly.

I love you my daddy.