It's been 6 weeks and 1 day since the end of my last relationship. In the first four weeks I did not allow myself to heal, but rather kept doing things that were essentially like pouring salt in my fresh wounds.
I feel deeply hurt this time, mainly because I was so excited for this one to work out and the guy I dated was incredibly sweet to me. I invested a lot of myself/time into the relationship, and yet that is the exact reason why it "fell apart" in the end.
The end of a romantic relationship is almost like someone who is really close to you dying. I spent almost everyday, sometimes most of everyday with this one person for 5 months and then all of the sudden they are gone from my life. I think I have finally figured out why intimacy/being so close to someone else is so difficult for me, because this closeness that you cultivate with another person, how do we know it will last, and what are we to do with ourselves if it doesn't and suddenly this rock that you had in your life is gone.
I take a long time to do a lot of things when it comes to my heart. One of those includes moving on. Even if I know it was the "right thing to do", it doesn't make the hurt/longing to go away. We must still grieve. I think you have to go through all of the stages of grief, but when/how you do that process is not going to mirror the same way someone else might. Being gentle with yourself is the most important aspect of healing, learning not to dwell on the good times, but to remember the core reasons why the relationship ended is also a good way to help you move on. Longing for someone to come back into your life will not help you heal, and honestly neither will hating them.
You have to be willing to look at yourself and what you can work on to fix yourself so that maybe you won't feel the need to even need that rock in your life in the first place, but instead learn to be the best you, so that you can be your own rock and when you meet another rock, you can just rock together.
I always am afraid that I made the wrong decision after a break up, and sometimes this leads to me wanting to piece the relationship back together, but often times it's not a good idea because it's just going to end up right where it was when you left it, especially if only one party is willing to actually make the necessary changes within themselves that will in turn help to salvage the relationship, and then on another token sometimes people are two good people who just aren't compatible.
I am hurt, and hurt people, hurt people. I think I have been hurt for along time but have been busy looking at all of the faults in the other person to truly take a look at myself, not to excuse any abusive behavior I have been dealt (because I certainly have put up with toxicity), but I myself find that I have toxic behaviors as well. Which is honestly no surprise to me, but also not an excuse.
I actually shut down this blog/myself/my voice/my happiness for pretty much an entire year because I was sexually assaulted and got stuck in a pit of despair and wondering how long it was going to take until I finally stopped letting him steal my joy from me.
People don't usually talk about their sexual assaults, and I'm definitely not going into detail, but it has really been a hard year for these reasons alone, and when I should have been giving myself a break, taking time to heal, and learning to love myself even harder, I decided to hop into relationships to seek love all while trying to fill a void within myself, one that was constantly saying "you are no good." "you will never be enough" and I let that narrative win, and when I let that narrative win on the inside, it won on the outside, too, because all of the things I was afraid of happening, happened the further I folded within myself and put up all of these walls to protect myself from being hurt.
I don't want to need anyone to hype me up, or be my hero. I used to be my own, and I'm working towards getting back to that again, but it's hard to do when someone takes something from you that you never offered in the first place. It's like stealing of piece of your soul, and stomping on it.
I know I get all deep in the trenches on this blog, and people are probably thinking, gosh this girl is sad, but I'm really not. I'm just a deep thinker with a really big heart, and sometimes it's heavier than others.
I am sending you love and light, wherever you are, I know today you needed it and I will continue to do so until I forgive you, until I forgive myself and until I take back the joy that was stolen from me.
There is hope, remember that my friends, there is ALWAYS hope.
xoxo Until Next Time
Mishako
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